Mums, do you feel underappreciated?
I've got 7 ideas to help you with that.
Today I want to talk about feeling underappreciated and unseen as a mum.
Why?
Partly because that's how I'm feeling today, but partly because it seems that every mum I speak to lately is feeling the same way too.
It's the mental, physical and emotional load that I'm talking about.
A lot of it is unseen too - all the things that magically appear for the rest of the family (clean clothes folded in the drawer, food in the fridge, dinner cooked on the table, knowing exactly who needs to be where at what time on what day, getting to school and nursery on time...and that's just a snapshot).
Because no-one sees what you do, you start to feel invisible and like you are just there to run around after everyone.
I'm definitely sensitive to this so if someone criticises me about the work that I do in the house, boom! I’m literally like, are you serious?? Do you not see what I do all day everyday?!
We want some recognition for what we do all day everyday, someone (anyone, please!) to notice, “wow, things are really clean and organised around here, that's down to you, thank you!”
Or how about “you know what, I see you, you are doing a great job”.
A girl can dream right!
Even writing about this, I'm thinking am I going to come across as spoilt or ungrateful somehow, because society pushes this idea that mums should feel grateful and fulfilled by motherhood alone, and when we don't feel that way, we feel guilty.
But if we break down motherhood, a huge part of it is the mental, physical and emotional load which is what I’m talking about here. How can this heavy load ever feel fulfilling? Especially when you are shouldering most of it alone.
That just reminded me, I did actually get doctors and health visitors telling me I was doing a good job, especially in the early days with my youngest and actually every time they said it, I could have cried. Relief at someone seeing you and going, ‘wow, you are doing great’. I do think it's so powerful when someone says this to you, you feel seen and validated.
And I hope I bring that to my coaching clients too. I notice what they are telling me about everything they are already doing. When I reflect this back to them, hearing it from someone else makes you realise how well you are doing, even though it’s hard.
What can we do to make ourselves feel better when we feel underappreciated and unseen?
Now, I definitely haven't got all the answers here because it's something that I struggle with, but these things may help:
Be honest - talk to your mum friends about how you feel - chances are they will feel the same as you and knowing that other people are going through a similar thing as you can help you feel less alone.
You are always worthy - I think because mums shoulder the majority of the mental, physical and emotional load, we can become defined by it. Then that attaches itself to our self-worth. That’s why the criticism hurts, because it’s like an attack on us, not just the tasks that we are doing. But, the reality is, we are always worthy and reminding ourselves that our worth is not attached to our responsibilities as a mum can help.
Read my free E-book - 5 Mini Pep Talks for Overwhelmed Mums - I wrote this when I felt completely overwhelmed one day and I needed a positive boost. I wrote down the words I needed to hear and hope that they help you too.
Tell yourself often that you are doing a bloody good job. Because you are! The more we can bring that compassionate voice to ourselves, the easier it will be to hear it as our go-to in our heads, rather than our inner critic.
Sit down and discuss with your partner how you feel - explain how much you actually do. Remind them that a kind word here or there about how much you actually do goes a long way!
Take some time out for you - even if you are super busy, I’ve got some quick and easy ways that you can do self-care in this episode of my podcast:
Read Fair Play by Eve Rodsky - a book all about how Eve was tired of being the “she-fault” parent responsible for all aspects of her busy household, so she created 'Fair Play': a time-and anxiety-saving system that offers couples a completely new way to divvy up domestic responsibilities.
I hope that some of these ideas help you feel more appreciated and more seen as a mum, and just remember that you are just amazing juggling everything that you do, every day.
I’d love to hear in the comments if you are able to relate to feeling underappreciated - let me know.