Mums, you are doing better than you think
When we are in it everyday, we just can’t see all the things we are doing so well at. In the same way that we can’t see how much our kids are growing because we are with them everyday.
This post is inspired by one of my recent coaching clients, a busy mum of 2 school aged kids. At the end of each coaching session I asked her:
“What's been your biggest takeaway from this session?”
A few times she's said 'that actually I'm doing a lot better than I think.'
A lot of the goals she’d set for herself, after talking them through with me, she realised she was already way further forward than she thought in that area. She just hadn’t realised it.
I think realising that you are doing a lot better than you think, is huge.
Why?
So much of the time, mums are so hard on themselves and feel:
mum-guilt
like we never do enough or
like we are just generally getting it wrong whilst everyone else is getting it right
I think that sleep deprivation, overwhelm and sheer exhaustion from the mental load massively contribute to this self-criticism too. They loom over us like black cloud, constantly threatening to rain. That's how we feel, cloudy and gloomy.
This cloud keeps us stuck in this rut of thinking negatively about ourselves, partly due to negative bias where our brains are trained to focus on the negative stuff and not the positive stuff.
Also partly because we don't question these negative thoughts. We accept them as the truth.
What if we got curious about these negative thoughts that were swirling round in our heads?
What if we accepted them just as thoughts and not as the truth?
What if someone reflected these negative thoughts back to you and challenged you on how true these were?
(By the way, this is what I support you with as a coach.)
I think there’s another element to this too - feeling uncomfortable about saying we are good at something - we don’t want to be seen as big-headed.
People say to me, I don’t know how you do it with three kids, and I just shrug it off and say ‘Oh its not that bad the eldest two are in school’.
Actually, I should just accept the compliment and say thank you because it is hard, and it does take a lot of juggling! I should be telling myself I’m doing a good job, because I am! Why do we feel the need to hide how hard it is?
With the negative thoughts and not wanting to big ourselves up, you need someone to point out all the things you are doing, and doing them well, despite it all.
Despite the rubbish night's sleep
Despite the tantrums and arguments
Despite the never-ending to-do list
When we are in it everyday, we just can’t see all the things we are doing so well at. In the same way that we can’t see how much our kids are growing because we are with them everyday.
Why is this important, to realise how well you are doing and to big yourself up?
You’ll feel more confident and believe in yourself more - you know that you can deal with situations better, because you’ve done it before and you’ve got that experience. You’ve got that evidence to disprove the negative thoughts.
It will boost your resilience - celebrating your achievements reinforces the fact that, I did that, and I did a good job at it.
You'll have a more positive mindset too because reminding yourself of all of these good things gives you a much needed positive boost.
So, here’s to mums doing way better than they think!
Here’s some kind words from my previous clients when they realised how their negative mindsets had changed to a more positive mindset:
I'd love to know in the comments, what are you doing better at, than you think?