Permission to do motherhood your way

When the advice just doesn't work for you, this is what to do instead...

If you are new here, welcome! I’m so happy to have you here as part of this lovely, supportive community of mums. I’m Jenna, a mum of 3, a Coach for Mums and I live by the sea in South Wales.

Here on The Motherhood Connection, I love writing about:

• ways to ease your overwhelm and cultivate self-compassion as a mum

• tips on how to take imperfect action and live a life that feels good to you

• the small moments of family life that bring me joy

• honest reflections on motherhood

Every fortnight, I also publish a Motherhood and Creativity interview, where I share the words of creative mums who inspire me here on Substack and beyond. They share their words of joy, strength, creativity and community in motherhood and there’s so much wisdom in every interview.

I’d love for you to be part of The Motherhood Connection community, all you need to do is subscribe below and you’ll receive my weekly (ish) posts.

I’ve been trying something new this week, getting up an hour or so earlier than my kids and sitting at the kitchen table, reading and journalling, or writing a post, like right now.

Sitting in the dark with a candle burning (made by my lovely friend), with the steam from my tea dancing in the shadows, gives me time to breathe, think and just be.

Now, whether it’ll be a regular thing totally depends on sleepless nights and early wakings with my kids, but for the past few days, it’s made a huge difference to my mornings.

It's a half term here in Wales next week, so those precious moments of calm in the morning are going to be even more important I think!

Anyway, my plan is to carry on with it, but equally I’m embracing the mindset that I talk about in my last podcast episode - redefining failure and consistency - have you listened to it?

Today, I wanted to share with you my take when advice may not actually be hat helpful and what you can do to feel empowered to do motherhood your way instead - hope you enjoy reading and I’d love to hear your thoughts on whether this post resonated with you - meet you over in the comments!

Trusting my own instincts didn’t cross my mind

Over 10 years ago, as a new mum, I remember how much I felt like I needed advice from other mums.

I felt like I needed them to tell me what to do really, because I literally didn’t have a clue - a totally natural way to feel, after all we are literally learning as we go as mums aren’t we.

Trusting my instincts wouldn’t really have crossed my mind, because I thought surely other mums knew better than me? Even if they had kids the same time as me. They must be right, I must be wrong.

When the advice just doesn’t work for you

The problem was when I tried to take their advice, it just didn't work for me.

Like, when I was trying to put my eldest down in her cot to nap (because all my NCT friends babies napped in their cots), and it wasn’t happening.

We both used to end up crying - both exhausted - her for her sleep, me for a break. The reality was that she slept either in her pram on a walk, or in the carrier, but most definitely not in the cot.

I thought the cot napping was the ‘right’ way and that my way was wrong, so I kept trying for too long, even though it clearly wasn't working.

Or, when my two eldest kids were little and my daughter was having toddler tantrums that were nothing short of epic, I just had no idea how to handle them.

I wanted to be that gentle parent and follow the scripts that I’d read about online where I validated feelings and showed patience etc, but actually, it didn’t work for me.

I was completely dis-regulated myself so how could I regulate my own child, let alone learn a totally new parenting technique.

The gap between the advice and what was actually happening in my reality was so wide, I instantly thought that I must be doing something wrong. I thought it was my fault that I couldn’t follow the advice and unsurprisingly this had a negative impact on my mental health.

It took me a long long time to realise that actually, it’s not about me not being able to follow the advice, it’s about the advice not being right for me.

Why doesn’t the advice work?

The thing is with advice, is that it might have worked for the person giving you advice, but they are completely different to you. No-one knows you like you.

Or it’s the kind of advice that would work in an ideal world if you had lots of support and you were well rested yourself, but completely impractical if, for example, you are dis-regulated yourself, trying to gentle parent your toddler whilst looking after your newborn too.

What if there was something deeper here, and actually it’s not about getting the right advice about nap times, the bedtime routine, dealing with tantrums etc?

What’s it really about then?

The thing is, we do know what to do.

Maybe what’s really behind it all is seeking the permission to:

• do things our way (even if that’s completely different to what everyone else is doing) &

• to believe in ourselves

And once you start giving yourself the permission to do motherhood your way, that's when your self-belief and confidence grows too.

What if we were encouraged to…

What if instead of the mountains of advice, we were encouraged to:

• trust ourselves more and follow our instincts

• tap into what feels right to us on that day

• be patient with ourselves while we found our own way

• fill up our own cup first before we tried any kind of change, so we are well resourced and not coming from a place of total exhaustion

How different would we feel then?

And instead of asking for advice, how would it feel to do the opposite?

To flip the advice on it’s head and instead talk about your thoughts, your struggles, your wants & your needs, to someone who’ll listen to you (like really listen to you).

(That’s what I’m really good at btw.)

What it feels like to be really listened to

When someone really listens to you, they can:

• see behind your answers

• see that you are trying your best and point out how well you are doing, despite it all - the self-doubt, the anger, the overwhelm, all of it

• support you to realise that you had the answers inside you all along (and because those answers come from you, they feel right.).

All along you just needed to be asked the right questions and encouraged to do things your way.

When you know that you’ve got the answers inside of you, and you don’t need to seek permission or advice from anyone, instead you can do motherhood your way, that feels so empowering.

There’s something else that’s important too

Along with giving ourselves the permission to do motherhood our way, there’s something else that’s important too.

Giving ourselves self-compassion and taking time out for ourselves too.

When we’ve got these two things, these are like the foundation that everything else can be built on.

If we are coming from a place of kindness and feeling like our needs are being met, even for just a few minutes, then we are looking at a situation in a completely different mindset, to how we would be if those two things weren’t there.

I say this because I know what it’s like when self-compassion and self-care aren’t there, for myself and for my coaching clients (which is why I created this.)

If we can talk to ourselves with kindness, it gives us something to hold onto in the hard moments. The moments when you have no idea what to do, but you know that:

• you love your kids

• you’ve got faith that you’ll find your way &

• you know that it’s OK to make mistakes

It’s OK to do motherhood your way

It wasn’t until I had my 3rd child in 2022 that I did motherhood my way.

I left behind all of the advice, and did what felt right to me and what worked for me and my family. Part of that was making sure that I prioritised self-care and self-compassion because I knew that if I had those as my foundation, everything else would feel a little bit easier.

I wish I’d had the confidence earlier, to believe in myself and my decisions.

To not feel like I had to justify myself.

To be OK with doing things differently to everyone else.

At the moment, I’m a stay at home mum of 3, working on my coaching business, Substack and podcast in amongst the chaos of family life and I’ve never felt more at peace with my choices.

If trusting your instincts, giving yourself permission to do motherhood your way and feeling more empowered sounds like something you’d like more support with, then let’s chat some more! 👇✨️

Has this post resonated with you?

I’d love to know if this post resonated with you, let me know in the comments:

• How do you feel about parenting advice?

• How have you given yourself permission to do motherhood your way?

You might also like some of my most recent posts/podcast episodes:

• Redefining failure and creativity for mums - after a over a year, I’m back with a new podcast episode!

• Motherhood & Creativity Interview #24 - Julie D

• How to make gentle plans for 2025 - morning meditations, realising I am not my thoughts, Substack posts I've loved lately plus something to help you reflect, dream and take action on your 2025 plans

• Motherhood and Creativity Interview #23 - Dr Chesica Jones

If you'd like to support this free newsletter, here are a few ways:

👍 Comment and like this post here on Substack
☕ Consider buying me a coffee
📲 Restack your favourite part and share it as a Note on Substack
📧 Forward this email to a friend
📸 Come and say hi over on Instagram - @jennafolarin