This helps me when I feel triggered as a mum
Plus, how I can support you in cultivating a positive mindset, what I've been up to this week and my fave Substack reads.
A change of plan
I actually recorded a video post earlier this week that I was going to post today, but then I listened to something which really made me stop and think, and I wanted to share it with you, in case it resonated too.
Earlier this week, before I got my kids ready for school, I was listening to the ‘Conscious Parenting’ masterclass by Dr Shefali Tsabary in the Calm app.
Dr Shefali said that actually parenting and improving your relationships with your kids isn’t about learning any kind of new parenting techniques. Instead, it’s more about working on yourself, your triggers and your conditioning so that you can show up as the parent you want to be.
This triggers me
This advice made me reflect on one of my (many) triggers as a mum - which is:
When I feel like we haven’t got enough time to get ourselves ready and out of the door to get somewhere for a certain time.
When I feel like this, I turn into the mum who shouts, rushes everyone, is so stressed that I feel exhausted by the time we finally leave the house.
So, I was reflecting this morning and I realised that there’s something that makes the difference for me, as to when I feel more stressed and when I don’t, when I feel rushed like this.
What makes the difference?
It’s self-belief.
If I tell myself that I absolutely can get everything done by the time I need to get it done by then I will. If I tell myself that I have got enough time and it will all work out, it usually does. If I don’t rush myself and just do what I’ve got to do bit by bit, then I get it done.
On the other hand, if I tell myself that I’ve got too much to do, and there’s no way I can get everything done in time, then it makes the whole experience much more stressful.
Not having that self-belief means that I’m try to do too much at once, I get stressed quicker and I’ve got zero patience.
Obviously when I feel like this, the way I am towards my kids and husband is far away from how I’d really like to be with them and it isn’t a great way to start our day.
(Side note here: I wish I was that mum who was super organised and had everything ready the night before so her morning ran smoother, but I’m not - I choose self-care and rest over yet more chores at the end of the day!)
Mindset comes into it too
That self-belief I’m talking about also directly links to having a positive or negative mindset.
When you are in a more negative mindset, then you are more likely to:
be in a state of overwhelm
be more critical of yourself
be reactive and
have black and white thinking
When you are in a more positive mindset, then it’s easier to:
draw on self-belief
talk to yourself in a kinder way and
bring some perspective to your situation
And this all means we are more likely to show up as the parent we want to be.
Why does it feel so hard to access this positive mindset?
We’d all like to feel more positive and be kinder to ourselves, so what’s standing in our way?
It’s easy to blame ourselves and say, “I should have handled that situation better”, or “I feel so awful that I shouted at my kids again, when it’s the last thing I wanted to do.”
But there’s two things that we are forgetting:
Cultivating a positive mindset takes time and practice.
It’s about trying different things and seeing if they work for you. It’s also about trying again and again. Like with any kind of change you make in your life, it’s not going to happen overnight (even though we wish it would!)
Also, there is growth every time you choose a positive mindset, but because that growth is small and it might be hard for us to notice, then we think we’ve failed.
The second thing we are forgetting is all of the challenges that we face as mums - sleep deprivation, sensory overload, very little time for ourselves - to name just a few.
All of these challenges means there’s other factors at play that may be contributing to you finding it hard to step into that positive mindset.
Being able to zoom out and see the whole situation and realising that there are other factors at play helps you to be kinder to yourself.
You might realise that you are actually dealing with a lot and you can step away from the self-blame and inner critic. Instead, you can accept that it’s not your fault and actually you are dealing with a lot right now.
What am I trying to say here?
So, what I’m trying to say is if you do want to make a change in you life, any kind of change, then give yourself some grace and realise that it won’t happen overnight, and that’s OK.
The kind of changes that stick and embed themselves into your life are the ones where you take small steps every day towards making that change.
I’m really good at helping with this kind of stuff
If you’d like to cultivate a positive mindset, then I can absolutely support you in doing that with one to one coaching:
I’ve got capacity for 1 one to one coaching client over the summer - I’d love to support you in making positive changes in your life.
If you’d like to find out more, you can book in for a free 30 min chat with me.
What my previous clients have said about coaching with me…
What I’ve been up to this week
My middle son had a Brazilian Carnival afternoon in school on Friday and all the parents were invited. It was so lovely seeing them come out in the yard with the carnival music blaring, wearing t-shirts, headdresses and shakers they’d all designed. We watched the kids do a dance routine, then the parents had to join in with the dance routine - I’m not a fan of audience participation but it was actually lots of fun!
This Christina Lauren book had been on my wishlist so I was pleased to see it in the library - I inhaled it in 24 hours, stayed up late to read it! I think this is the 4th Christina Lauren book I’ve read and they never disappoint.
I’ve completed 6 days in a row of
’s 20 day meditation challenge which I’m really pleased with!
My favourite Substack posts this week
This post from
on being rubbish at resting, and I totally relate to this bit:
“But I also feel like I’ve lost my grasp on that ability to stop constantly THINKING about what I’ve done or haven’t done and what I’m going to do next. And if it’s the ‘right’ or ‘best thing’.”
A beautiful post on learning to live alongside grief by
, and I totally agree with Ellie when she says:
“What I have found is something surprising. It sounds counter intuitive. It is certainly counter to what our culture teaches us about grief and any difficult feelings. What I have learned is: suffering is when we feel pain and we resist it. Soothing is when we meet our pain with love.”
This post from
on how to squeeze seasonal living into a busy life - I especially love tip 3 - eat cake, cake is always a good idea!
Thank you so much for reading!
I'd love for you to join me in the comments and let me know:
What are your triggers as a mum?
If you are struggling to make a change in your life, when you zoom out, what other factors are at play for you?
What have been your favourite Substack reads this week?
I’m constantly unravelling new triggers it seems… once I get a handle on one a little the onion revels another layer! lol! Compassion always wins though and giving ourselves permission to be a work in progress always. Lovely post thank you xx
Love how you’ve reframed the choosing of rest over chores at the end of the day. I often feel guilty for not being more prepared. But that’s just not me…