Finding that space and reflecting on the baby days

I can feel that restlessness in me, that need to gather my thoughts, because that’s what I think writing on here is for me - a chance to gather my thoughts and make sense of them.

Ogmore Beach on a sunny October afternoon

This week I have been desperate to sit down and write.

I need those moments of quiet, to reflect and create in my day as much as I need my morning cuppa (roobios with a splash of soya milk, always in a chunky mug).

But this week it hasn’t been possible, as it’s half term here. I am grateful for all the lovely family days out we’ve had, even in the rain, because my husband is off work too. That quality family time is something I crave too, and just being outdoors or feeling the joy of exploring somewhere new.

But I can feel that restlessness in me, that need to gather my thoughts, because that’s what I think writing on here is for me - a chance to gather my thoughts and make sense of them. When I started this Substack, I thought I’d be writing about coaching and lots of tips for mums, but actually, it’s turned into more like an online diary, which I’m fine with right now.

I’m so grateful for all of the connections that I’ve made on here. Their writing inspires me every time I read one of their posts, and makes me see things from a different perspective, which can only be a good thing.

And one of those mums that inspires me is

Claudia Wilde

and this gorgeous poem that she shared:

My favourite piece of art

It made me emotional reading this poem, because it made me think of obviously how quick my kids have grown up (they are 9, 6 and 1 now) but more than that - I feel that I haven’t let myself sit and reflect on the early days with my kids because I feel like a lot of the time, it’s just been about getting through the day and onto the next thing, and the thing after that.

When I think back to my eldest as a baby, I can actually remember quite a lot - she was such a happy baby and used to happily play on her play mat with her toys for ages. It was just me and her and she was my little buddy - so strange to think about now when I’ve got 3 kids. I used to love being at home just me and her, pottering around, both just happy in each others company.

Then with my 6 year old, well by the time he was born his sister was 2 and a half and the tantrums were just beginning and those long loud tantrums lasted right up until she was 3 and a half or so…phewf, that was a hard period - actually the hardest period of time in my whole time of being a mum I’d say.

Looking back, she was obviously adapting to having a baby brother and couldn’t express herself, although I didn’t realise this at the time. I had no idea how to deal with her tantrums, and in all honestly I found them hugely triggering.

So I can’t really remember much of my 6 year old as a baby, apart from the fact that he was so smiley, just used to fit in with whatever we were doing and was just a joy. It makes me sad to think I can’t remember huge amounts from that time.

I was also diagnosed with post-natal anxiety when he was 6 months old, so I think that has affected my memory of that time too.

And now, with my 1 year old, it’s a completely different experience - obviously the baby days with him are still pretty recent, but there’s something else I realised too.

I’m able to share my youngest and the funny things he does and how he’s changing with my eldest two, in the moment. That’s pretty special. And I think it helps embed those moments of change into my memory more too.

I hope that my eldest two will have fond and happy memories of this time with their baby brother too - I mean they are helping me raise him really as they are such a big help.

I always think it’s amazing to look back at your motherhood journey, and see how much you’ve changed - with each child I’ve been a totally different mum I think.

I’m happy to say that I am the most content now, mainly because I’ve learnt what my needs are and have consistently honoured those since my PNA diagnosis 6 years ago.

When I speak to guests on my podcast, one of the first questions I ask them is to tell me about their motherhood journey and I find it so interesting to hear what comes up. I want to hear more of mums stories, their struggles, their resilience, their challenges, their joy - that is how we connect and know that we are not alone.

Mini Retreat for Mums - 18th Nov in Cardiff:

I’ve just finished writing up all of the info for my next Mini Retreat for Mums, which is on Sat 18th Nov from 2-5pm at Yurt in the City, Cardiff.

You can find out more and book your tickets here.

So if you are near Cardiff, or know any mums who are - I’d be so grateful if you could share this with them - thank you!

This week’s podcast episode:

I’d love to know in the comments:

What have you read this week that has inspired you?

What are your some of your favourite memories of your kids when they were babies?