Motherhood and Creativity Interview #5 - Ellie Nova
Ellie is a mum of one. She has been sober since Dec 2019 and is studying to become a life coach who helps people to find freedom from alcohol and connect to their true selves.
Welcome to Motherhood and Creativity, an interview series where I share the words of creative mums who inspire me here on Substack and beyond.
I’ll be sharing words of joy, strength, creativity and community in motherhood.
I feel like when we read the words of mums who speak so honestly about motherhood - the good parts, the hard parts and everything in between - this can really help give us some comfort and feel less alone.
I find so much inspiration from reading about mums who are all weaving their work and creativity around their kids too, as this is the situation I’m currently in. Knowing that there are other mums out there with creative dreams and careers and they are making it work around the edges of motherhood, that is so encouraging.
I hope you enjoy reading the words from these wonderful mums over the next few weeks and months, and that you find comfort and inspiration in their words too.
You can read the rest of the Motherhood and Creativity interview series here:
Motherhood and Creativity Interview #1 with
Motherhood and Creativity Interview #2 with Emma Benyon
Motherhood and Creativity Interview #3 with
Motherhood and Creativity Interview #4 with
Motherhood and Creativity Interview #5 - Ellie Nova
Ellie lives in Lewes, East Sussex with her son River and husband James. Ellie has been sober since Dec 2019 and is studying to become a life coach who helps people to find freedom from alcohol and connect to their true selves.
You can read Ellie’s writing on her Substack
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How old are your kids?
My son River is 3.5 years old.
When your children are older, what do you hope that they remember about the kind of mum that you were?
Oh that question brings up some pain...some fear...some grief. Because of how I remember my mum - which is complicated, in part because she died when I was 14 and I never got to know her as an adult - me as an adult; she as an adult.
I worry River will remember my anger, my anxiety, my stress, my outbursts, my busy-ness, my attempts to manage and organise and control things... I hope, I hope, he will also remember me apologising, me sharing with him how I'm feeling and how it isn't his fault, me trying my best, most of the time.
I hope he remembers how much I loved spending time with him. I hope he remembers me sharing with him things about the world that I know, and what I don't know, and that I'm so interested in how HE sees the world and what he knows, and doesn't know. I hope he remembers our slow days in the summer sun picking blackberries, and splashing in muddy puddles in winter. I hope he remembers me laughing. I hope he remembers my kisses and hugs. I hope he remembers my endless, endless, love for him. I hope he really feels that love, deep in his heart, and carries it with him forever.
When you think about the tough parts of your motherhood journey, which of your qualities/strengths have got you through these tough times?
I have reserves of inner strength and resilience to stick to what I believe is right that I have had to draw on many times.
Beginning with the 64 hour labour where I experienced indescribable pain but I was so determined to have a home birth, I kept pushing through - and almost collapsed from exhaustion after it was over.
I stood strong to support my husband when he had a mental health crisis when River was 4 weeks old, remaining calm during some terrifying moments and having his back when he was being pressured into things he didn't want to do.
And this strength, coupled with my sensitivity and resolve for River never to feel alone and abandoned as I did as a child and young person, meant that I stuck out 2.5 years of broken sleep as I co-slept with him and breastfed him through the night.
Most of that is about my toughness and strength, which was I was raised with - which I get from my mum. But on the other side of it, and this has been much harder, has been my continuing journey to cultivate self compassion.
My inner critic has been very loud for a lot of my journey (especially in those years of sleep deprivation) and bringing in self compassion has been my absolute saviour. But it doesn't come naturally, so it requires a lot of intentional practice and remembering when I often forget.
What brings you joy in motherhood?
Oh, River's beaming little face! It's like the sun coming out, he has the most gorgeous smile - and when he smiles when he sees me - I mean, there's nothing better. It's like being filled with joy and light and I think: wow. He's that delighted to see ME? It's so wonderful. And when he softly whispers 'thank you mummy' or 'I love you'. When he says, 'mummy, come play with me, come' and holds out his little hand to lead me over to his Duplo.
I love seeing him experience delight and joy, his little delighted laugh. I love spending slow days with him without plans, especially if we're outside, walking on the nature reserve or going for a calm babyccino in a cafe. I love seeing him play with other children and seeing how outgoing he is. I love how much he loves books.
It's a lovely thing to contemplate - it's like gratitude, once I start to think of things, there are just so many!
How important is creativity to you?
Oh, it's everything. Everything. I've been writing stories since I was a small child. I always thought I would be a writer. Writing is something that flows out of me - it's something I HAVE to do. I'm not a hugely visual person but words make sense to me. I express myself best in my writing. It's a channel for my high sensitivity and one of the gifts of feeling things so intensely. If I didn't feel things so strongly, if I wasn't able to make the many connections between things that I do, I wouldn't be able to write, I don't think.
Creativity lights up my brain, energises me - not just my own act of creation but reading poetry or inspiring books, going to art galleries, listening to interesting talks, watching brilliant movies.
Five years ago, after my dad died and I was reassessing my life (and had been left some inheritance) I decided to quit my job in fundraising and study an MA in Creative and Life Writing at Goldsmiths. I had wanted to do it for 10 years. It was one of the best things I've ever done - to invest time and money into my writing. I learned so much and it gave me so much confidence and energy and forward momentum. Which was then dramatically cut short when I gave birth, but I hope to gradually rediscover and reclaim it again.
Tell us more about your favourite ways to be creative.
As above - writing! I have recently discovered Substack and love the freedom of writing essays that brings me. I have tried blogging before but this seems like such a great platform because of the collaboration and the feedback and sharing here.
I occasionally write poetry, I used to write short stories and have attempted a couple of novels but a few years ago I realised life writing was my calling. So I write personal essays (and have had a few published) and have been working on my memoir for a few years.
Since becoming a mum, have you experienced a creative surge? What did that look like for you?
Sadly no! I don't think so. I have found it mostly incredibly hard because of course I suddenly had no time to write. I suppose what there was was a great shift in what I wanted to write about - I had been focusing on my memoir but as soon as River was born all I felt compelled to write about was motherhood because it was such an intense, enormous experience. But I had no time! So I mostly wrote in the Notes on my phone while pushing the pram while he napped.
I've kept a very sporadic diary of my experiences since he was born that I to one day turn into a book. With my various struggles with childcare, coupled with probably taking on too much career-wise, I've had very little time to focus on my memoir even though in the past year I have wanted to return to it. I hope to make time this year for it. Reminding myself there's no rush, there's no time limit. And this season of motherhood is so intense, but it will feel brief, I'm sure, once it has passed.
What does honouring your creativity look like for you in this season of your mothering?
Making time to write. Prioritising it as much as possible over my never-ending 'to do list', which I find really hard! I hate leaving the washing up etc. But if I start my day by tidying, washing up, doing laundry, it eats into so much of my day and I have to pick up River at 2:30 from nursery so I don't have long days. It's an ongoing practice to prioritise my writing and something I don't find easy at all.
What’s been your experience of finding a community in motherhood?
It's changed over time. When we lived in Putney, up until River was 2 years old, I had to really search for like-minded mums who were parenting in a similar way to me. I had so much self-doubt and really needed to be around mums who were also exclusively breastfeeding and co sleeping, just to feel seen and supported. But fortunately I did find some wonderful mums that way, through Natalie Meddings who is a doula who lives in Putney and wrote How to Have a Baby.
Then when we moved to Lewes 18 months ago it's been so easy and wonderful finding a community here. We've met parents through playgroups, nursery, dads groups, mums groups, hanging out in the playground, through WhatsApp groups. And because it's a fairly small town we bump into the same people all the time and of course that builds up friendships - I never experienced that in London.
Also Lewes is full of creative, eco-conscious people, and most people are parenting in ways similar to us, so I haven't had to actively look for people who have a similar outlook to me - it's just happened easily and organically. Lewes truly is a special town in that way.
I've also found a great community online through places like Instagram and Substack and also attending online women's circles. Oh and in-person women's circles too.
What words of encouragement would you offer to a mum who might be struggling at the moment?
I would say: you are doing amazing. If you're finding it hard, it's because it IS hard. So incredibly hard. I think there has never been so much pressure on mothers in our culture, and yet there has never been so little support. Of course we are finding it hard. Of course we are in shock. Of course we are grieving. Of course we are raging. And we're doing the best we can.
I'm still in early motherhood, but what I would say to a very new mum is that it DOES get SO much better. It really does. For me, a turning point was when River was 2.5 years old. Which may not sound encouraging for a mum who has a baby who is only a few months old!! But there IS hope in sight.
I'd also say - get all the support you can. If you can afford it, pay for it. What better use of your money is there? Paying for childcare, a cleaner, whatever you need - these are essential ways to support your mental health. And ask for support, ask for help - most people, including other mums, really WANT to help. I would LOVE for mums to ask me for help when they need it - I'd be honoured. Because I know how hard it is. We don't tend to ask for help so I know that's hard in itself, but it's worth it.
You can find out more about here:
Thank you so much for your wonderful words Ellie.
Ellie’s answer to the first question made me emotional - the way she describes all of the things she worries her son will remember, and then all of the things that she hopes he does remember instead, and all of this with the backdrop of losing her own mum at the age of 14. When Ellie says that she hopes her son remembers how interested she was in how he sees the world and then these words are so beautiful:
“…I hope he remembers my kisses and hugs. I hope he remembers my endless, endless, love for him. I hope he really feels that love, deep in his heart, and carries it with him forever.”
I love how Ellie talks about how bringing in self-compassion has been her saviour, and how self-compassion is a journey, especially when you’ve been used to listening to your inner critic for so long.
Ellie says that “…creativity lights up my brain, energises me…” and I feel like we need more of this as mums, because the day to day routine can be draining, so if we’ve got creativity in our lives, this helps us access a different side to us, outside of being a mum.
Finally Ellie’s advice to another mum is so compassionate and affirming at the same time:
“…you are doing amazing. If you're finding it hard, it's because it IS hard. So incredibly hard. I think there has never been so much pressure on mothers in our culture, and yet there has never been so little support. Of course we are finding it hard. Of course we are in shock. Of course we are grieving. Of course we are raging. And we're doing the best we can…”
Being able to zoom out and get that perspective of, wait, hang on, there might be other things at play here that is making my motherhood experience hard, and maybe it’s not just me, other mums are finding it hard too. Having this perspective lets you replace your inner critic with self-compassion too.
If you are a mum who’d like to take part in this Motherhood and Creativity interview series - just get in touch, I’d love to hear from you!
I hope you enjoyed this interview in the ‘Motherhood and Creativity’ interview series - I’ll be publishing these interviews every fortnight for as long as the interviews keep coming through.
I’d love to hear from you in the comments:
Which of Ellie’s words resonated with you?
How do you practice self-compassion as a mum?
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Ahh, making time to write. This is how I honour my creativity, too. But, my goodness, how difficult it is to prioritise our creative needs! I also agree with asking for help. I’ve become much better at this with the littlest 💛