Let your inner wisdom soothe your fraying edges

Say bye to unrealistic expectations and make your own rules for motherhood instead

This is the third post of my monthly series called ‘The Remembering’.

This monthly series is all about remembering yourself. Not who you are as a mum, or a wife, a partner, a daughter, a sister, a friend or a colleague.

You.

In this monthly series, using my experience as a Coach for Mums, I’ll be supporting you to remember who you are and to take action on this, in a totally sustainable way as a mum.

I hope that you find these posts uplifting, empowering and that it’s a way to help you find your way back to who you always have been.

Read the first post in this series here and the second post in this series here.

Photo by Javier Allegue Barros on Unsplash

I know that before I had kids, I would definitely have said I was a high-achieving perfectionist.

My identity was wrapped up in my job and I constantly put pressure on myself to achieve. I was so self-critical and beat myself up for any mistakes I made.

I wouldn’t have dreamed of being kinder to myself. I thought that if I was, that would somehow quash my ambition and make me lazier. I wonder if you can relate to this?

The myth of the perfect mum

Coming into motherhood with this mindset, meant that I was expecting myself to be a perfect mum. In my mind, there was no room for mistakes.

When I was pregnant with my first child, I also had this idea in my mind of the kind of mother I wanted to be. I’d be a mum who never shouted, who had endless patience and who was fulfilled by motherhood alone.

With this idea of the perfect mum in my head came the pressure to do better. To parent in a way that I wish I was parented.

It took me a long time to realise that those expectations I had of myself, were totally unachievable and unrealistic in the everyday chaos of being a mum. 

Our society isn’t built to support mums

There’s also expectations from society on what a good mother ‘should’ be, and that is drip fed to us in so many different ways.

A few of these expectations that spring to mind are:

• Keep going and never have a break, even if you feel exhausted

• It’s selfish to take time out for yourself as a mum

• Do the juggle of work, childcare and motherhood and don’t complain about it - you wanted kids so just deal with whatever situation comes up

• Feel shame and judgement if you ever get angry and shout at your kids

• Don’t tell anyone how you are feeling - they will think you are moaning and you should be grateful

• Just deal with sleep deprivation and don’t complain about it

I mean, there are so many more societal expectations than this, but it’s clear to see how society adds fuel to the self-criticism and perfectionism that we feel.

Realising that our society just isn’t built to support mums was a huge revelation for me. I thought, maybe I’m finding motherhood hard, because it is hard.

You can see how your own expectations and societal expectations come together to create this idea of motherhood that is totally unrealistic, yet we feel that we still have to aim for it.

It’s no wonder mums are exhausted.

We are exhausted because we are trying to aim for the impossible.

Make your own rules instead

When you start to see that the expectations around motherhood are so unrealistic, that releases you from holding on to them so tightly.

Instead, you can make your own rules.

This is part of remembering who you are - letting go. 

You can choose to let go of:

• the self criticism and perfectionism

• the perfect mother myth

• the mum that you thought you’d be and instead embrace the mum that you are

When your energy moves away from self- criticism and perfectionism, you create space.

Space so that you can see the mum that you are right now.

The mum that is absolutely good enough. A mum that loves her kids. A mum that shows up every day. A mum that is actually doing an incredible job.

Self criticism and perfectionism are the complete opposite of what we need in motherhood.

So, what do we need instead?

We need self-compassion

We need to be OK with our imperfect selves who will make mistakes, because we are human.

We need to be told that we are doing a good job. 

We need to be told that we are strong, powerful and resilient as mums, to help us believe in ourselves. To help us dig deep.

Especially on those days where it all just feels like too much, the kids are screaming, you’ve had no time for yourself and you feel unbelievably underappreciated and just invisible. 

We need to lean into the mess, discomfort and chaos and realise that it’s OK to find it all hard. 

I still feel clueless

I'm nearly 10 years into motherhood, a mum of three and I still feel clueless a lot of the time. I'm still learning about the type of mum I want to be. I’m OK with that, because my kids are changing all the time too and so am I.

I feel like motherhood is about learning, re-learning, adapting and growing.

Doing the best we can with the limited resources of time and energy that we have. Learning how to deal with each child we have and their very different personalities and needs.

And having so much compassion for ourselves in amongst it all.

Let’s talk about our strengths

As mums, we need to remind ourselves of our strengths - of the times when we’ve achieved something we are proud of, times when we’ve got through a tough situation and the natural strengths we have too.

Knowing these strengths means you can remind yourself of them often to build your self-confidence and self-belief. You can use those strengths and experiences to get through the hard times.

You can tell yourself you are doing an amazing job as a mum (because you are.)

You don’t have to wait for someone else to say it to you - OK yes, it’s nice to hear that, but you can tell yourself that everyday.

We need to be on our own sides, instead of bringing ourselves down with self-criticism and perfectionism.

We can choose the kind and encouraging words that land the best with us.

We can tell ourselves in the moments, when we need those words the most. 

When we feel like we don’t know what to do. 

We can dig deep and breathe.

We can find that courage, wisdom and strength.

A balm to your fraying edges

That inner wisdom, that wise voice in your heart, she is always there. 

She’s just hidden a lot under the sheer overwhelm of everything you have to do everyday as a mum.

But the more you try to find her, to listen to those kind and soothing words that are like a balm to your fraying edges, the more she will show up. 

On those days when it all just feels like too much - your inner strength and wisdom is always there, she might be a whisper rather than a roar, but she’s always there. 

She will remind you of your power, strength and resilience.

She will help you remember who you are.

Thank you so much for reading and I hope this post has helped to inspire you to let go of unrealistic expectations and make your own rules for motherhood instead.

I’d love to hear from you - join me in the comments and let me know:

• What are your strengths?

• How have your expectations changed of yourself throughout motherhood?

• Can you think of a time when you’ve listened to your inner wisdom? What did she say to you and how did that voice help you?

You might have missed some of my most recent posts:

Motherhood and Creativity Interview #2 - Emma Benyon

Life lately - (Easter egg hunts, book chat and squeezing in moments of work)

Motherhood and Creativity Interview #1 - Lauren Barber

Building creative confidence - can we learn creative confidence from our hobbies and how our kids approach creativity?